The Captain's Chair Has A Knob On The End
**Part 1 of However Many I Can Be Arsed to Write**
Archer: Trip! Why does my chair have a knob on the end?
Trip: Well, Cap’n. You know a couple of weeks ago when I lowered your chair ‘cos it didn’t feel right?
Archer: Yes?
Trip: Well, there were a few upgrades that didn’t quite work right then until I figured out the control mechanism?
Archer: The…. Knob?
Trip: Yup. With that knob you can access tactical, life support, sensors. Heck, you could even turn on the shower in your quarters!
Archer: I can do all that with this knob?
Trip: Sure thing, Cap’n. Go on, give it a whirl.
Archer: Well, I’ve tried pushing it and turning it but it doesn’t seem to do anything.
Trip: Actually Cap’n you need to use more of a stroking motio…
A loud explosion shakes the ship. A console explodes throwing a crewman across the bridge.
Archer: Bridge to sickbay, we’ve got injured here. T’Pol, report!
T’Pol: It appears we have dropped out of warp. Some sort of gravimetric distortion.
Archer: What’s causing it?
T’Pol: It appears to be caused by a large planet-sized object directly in our path. It’s close enough for visual.
Archer: On screen………….. Is anyone else seeing…..
Travis: ….A massive disc supported by four elephants riding on the back of a tortoise?
Archer: Close, I think you’re supposed to say ‘turtle’.
Travis: Damn, that was my only line!
Archer: T’Pol, what do you make of this?
T’Pol: The object does in fact appear to be a planet sized turtle carrying four giant elephants which in turn are carrying a large disc-shaped structure. However, the Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that planet sized turtles do not exist.
Archer: Aha, do they say anything about giant elephants?
T’Pol: The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined…..
Archer: Nevermind. I get the idea.
Dr. Phlox: Captain, if I may. The Baleen Pachyderms of Gamma Sega V are known to grow to quite impressive proportions. The local natives keep them as pets and build condominiums between the pachyderms’ spinal humps. The pachyderms are also known to secrete a …
Archer: Thank you doctor, that’s very interesting. Have you heard of these… baleen pachyderms growing this big?
Dr. Phlox: No, I must admit that this is a little extreme for you common garden variety baleen. Most don’t grow to even a thousandth of the mass we’re seeing here, but they could be a distant relative. Possibly a subspecies that has evolved in symbiosis with the turtle. It would be interesting to see just what benefit the turtle gets from having four giant elephants on its back. A polished shell, perhaps?
Archer: Malcolm, are you reading any weapons on that thing?
Malcolm: No weapon signatures captain, though I dare say that beak could give us one nasty bite.
T’Pol: Captain, I’m reading a breathable atmosphere on the disc.
Archer: Any lifeforms?
T’Pol: Approximately seven billion divided among at least five different sentient humanoid species? They all appear to be indigenous to this environment?
Archer: Five different sentient species? Could this be a Xindi planet?
T’Pol: Highly unlikely captain. One of the species appears to be human. Another is silicon based.
Archer: Human?
T’Pol: Yes captain, though I am not picking up any signs of advanced technology.
Archer: Okay, let’s move in a little closer and run some scans.
Malcolm: Captain, I’ve detected an object on sensors. It appears to have just fallen over the edge of the disc. I’m reading four life signs aboard.
Archer: T’Pol, I thought you said there wasn’t any advanced technology on that thing?
T’Pol: That is correct. The object appears to be made of wood and shaped like some sort of predatory bird. I cannot detect a power source or propulsion system of any kind, and it appears the capsule has sprung a leak.
Archer: Hoshi, hail them and tell them who we are. Ask them if they need assistance.
Hoshi: They’re not responding to our hails.
Archer: Are you sure. I don’t think you waited long enough for them to respond.
Hoshi: Still nothing, sir.
Archer: They could be in the shower. It takes me at least half a minute to answer my comm if I’m in the shower.
Hoshi: I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to start talking sir.
T’Pol: Captain, the capsule is about to lose its’ hull integrity.
Archer: Malcolm, can you beam them aboard?
Malcolm: Sorry Captain, there appears to be some sort of energy field emanating from the disc. The transporter won’t lock.
Archer: Okay, fire up the grappler. See if you can bring them into the launch bay.
Malcolm: Direct hit sir. Reeling them in now. They’re in the shuttle bay now sir.
Crewman #6: Sir, this is Ensign Fleegman in the shuttle bay.
Archer: Go ahead…
Crewman #6: Sir, we appear to have an Orangutan.
To Be Continued…..
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